How to Bring Excitement Back Into Your Sex Life: 10 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage

There’s something wonderful about being comfortable with someone. When you’ve been together for years, you learn each other’s habits, understand each other’s personalities, and eventually become pretty familiar with what makes the other person tick.

That familiarity can be one of the best parts of a long-term relationship.

But let’s be honest: sometimes that familiarity finds its way into the bedroom, too.

The spontaneous kisses become less frequent. The flirting gets pushed aside by grocery lists and household responsibilities. Sex can become something you enjoy when you find the time rather than something you actively look forward to.

And before you know it, you might find yourselves wondering how to bring excitement back into your sex life.

First, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more.

Wanting to spice up your marriage doesn’t mean you’re unhappy with your partner. It doesn’t mean you’re bored with each other or that something is missing from your relationship. Sometimes it simply means you enjoy each other and want to keep discovering new ways to have fun together.

My wife and I believe that one of the wonderful things about a shared sex life is that it doesn’t have to remain the same. There’s always something new to discover, something to experiment with, or another way to make each other smile.

And no, you don’t need to book an expensive romantic vacation, recreate something from a Hollywood movie, or suddenly become people you’re not.

Sometimes bringing excitement back into your sex life starts with a conversation, a little flirting, a new toy, or simply making time for each other.

Here are ten ways to get started.

1. Stop Treating Sex Like Another Item on the To-Do List

Between work, family, household responsibilities, and everything else competing for our attention, it’s easy for intimacy to become something that happens when everything else is finished.

The problem? Everything else is rarely finished.

There’s always another load of laundry, another email, another errand, or something that needs fixing around the house.

If you’re waiting for the perfect opportunity to enjoy each other, you might be waiting a while.

One of the simplest ways to improve intimacy in a long-term relationship is to start making it a priority again. That doesn’t mean scheduling every sexual encounter or turning intimacy into another obligation. It means recognizing that your relationship deserves attention, too.

Put the phones away for a while. Spend an evening together without distractions. Go to bed a little earlier. Make time to cuddle, kiss, flirt, and enjoy being close without expecting every affectionate moment to lead to sex.

Sometimes removing the expectation of sex is precisely what makes it easier to rediscover the desire for it.

2. Bring Back the Flirting

Remember when you were dating?

There were probably little messages throughout the day, unexpected kisses, playful comments, and those moments when you couldn’t wait to see each other again. If you could see the messages we sent each other, especially on Friday’s when we were sexting…

Somewhere along the way, couples can become so comfortable that they forget to keep doing those little things.

And that’s a shame.

Flirting doesn’t have an expiration date when you get married. Send your partner a cheeky message. Give them a kiss that lasts a little longer than usual. Compliment them. Let them know you’re thinking about them.

You don’t need to turn every interaction into a sexual invitation. Sometimes it’s simply about reminding each other that you’re still attracted to one another. We think there’s something particularly enjoyable about knowing your partner still looks at you with that little spark in their eyes.

And if you can make each other laugh along the way, even better. Honestly, 90% of our texts are non-sexual but filled with playful flirting. I love that his texts make me smile, and that’s all part of my attraction to him.

A healthy sex life doesn’t have to be serious all the time. In fact, a little humor can make intimacy considerably more comfortable.

3. Talk About What You Want More Of

This might sound obvious, but communication is one of the most important ingredients in a satisfying sex life. Unfortunately, plenty of couples find it easier to talk about almost anything other than sex.

You can discuss finances, parenting, work problems, and what needs to be picked up at the supermarket, but asking your partner what they’d like to try in the bedroom can suddenly feel intimidating.

It shouldn’t.

Talking about sex doesn’t have to begin with a dramatic conversation about everything that’s missing. It can be as simple as asking:

• Is there something you’d like us to do more often?
• Is there something you’ve been curious about trying?
• What’s something we used to do that you miss?
• Is there anything new you’d like to explore together?

The important thing is approaching the conversation without judgment or pressure.

You might discover that your partner has been thinking about something you’ve never considered. You might also find that you’re both interested in the same things but have simply never brought them up. And remember, talking about a fantasy doesn’t mean either person has agreed to act on it. It’s an opportunity to understand one another.

Sometimes the conversation itself can be exciting.

4. Explore Mutual Masturbation

Here’s an idea that deserves considerably more attention: mutual masturbation.

Masturbation doesn’t have to be something that happens behind a closed bathroom door or when your partner isn’t around.

It can be a shared sexual experience.

Watching your partner explore their own body can be incredibly intimate. It gives you an opportunity to see what they enjoy, understand their preferences, and discover different ways to experience pleasure together. It can also take some of the pressure out of partnered sex.

Not every sexual encounter needs to follow the same routine or end with intercourse. Sometimes enjoying each other without that expectation is a refreshing change.

For couples who haven’t explored mutual masturbation before, it can be a relatively easy way to introduce something new without feeling like they’re making a huge leap outside their comfort zone. And there’s a practical benefit, too. You get to learn more about what makes your partner feel good, which can make other shared sexual experiences more satisfying.

If you enjoyed our previous article, Why Masturbation Can Improve Partnered Sex, this is a natural extension of that conversation.

5. Introduce Sex Toys Without Making It a Big Production

Let’s talk about one of our favorite ways to add something new to a relationship.

Sex toys.

There’s a persistent misconception that introducing toys into a marriage means something is missing from the relationship. We couldn’t disagree more. In fact, we think this misconception is fucking ridiculous.

A good sex toy doesn’t replace your partner. It introduces another way to experience pleasure together. Think of it as adding another teammate to the bedroom. We have plenty of teammates, so many we’ve got an entire professional league of teams that have a relegation/promotion system.

And you don’t need to begin with something complicated, intimidating, or particularly expensive.

Start with a bullet vibrator

If you’re looking for an approachable first toy, a bullet vibrator is an excellent place to start.

These small, compact vibrators are primarily designed for external stimulation, particularly around the clitoris. They can be used during solo play or incorporated into partnered sex.

Their size makes them relatively easy to introduce, and they don’t require a complicated learning curve.

For couples who are curious about experimenting with toys but aren’t sure where to begin, a bullet vibrator can be a wonderful first purchase.

You can use one during foreplay, mutual masturbation, or other shared experiences. The important thing is communicating about what feels good and allowing both partners to enjoy the experience.

Product recommendation: Blush Oh My Gem Desire

Explore clitoral stimulators

If you discover that external stimulation is something your partner particularly enjoys, there are plenty of other options.

Clitoral stimulators come in different shapes, sizes, and styles, offering everything from gentle vibrations to more focused sensations.

Some use traditional vibration, while others use air-pulse technology.

There’s no single best option for every woman. Preferences vary, which is precisely why experimenting can be so much fun.

Product recommendation: LeWand Petite Rechargeable

Don’t forget the men

Introducing toys shouldn’t be a one-sided experience.

Male masturbators, strokers, and interactive devices can offer men an entirely different range of sensations. And there’s no reason these products can’t become part of shared sexual exploration.

For couples interested in interactive technology, products from Kiiroo and The Handy offer some particularly interesting possibilities.

We’ve spent years enjoying Kiiroo products together, and they’ve become a familiar part of our bedroom experiences.

The important point is that sex toys aren’t exclusively for women, and exploring them together can open up an entirely new conversation about pleasure.

Product recommendation: Kiiroo’s lineup of strokers

Remember: You don’t need to buy everything

One of the easiest mistakes couples can make is thinking they need an entire collection of toys to improve their sex life.

You don’t.

Start with something approachable, see what you both enjoy, and build from there.

The goal is to have fun together, not create another shopping list.

6. Make Foreplay More Than a Quick Introduction

Foreplay deserves more attention than it sometimes receives.

For many couples, particularly those who have been together for years, it’s easy to fall into a familiar routine. A few kisses, some touching, and then moving toward intercourse.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But if you’re looking to make sex more exciting, slowing down can make a real difference.

Spend more time kissing. Explore each other’s bodies. Try different types of touch. Pay attention to your partner’s reactions rather than rushing toward a particular destination.

For women especially, adequate arousal and clitoral stimulation can play an important role in sexual satisfaction. For men, slowing down and changing stimulation can also create a different experience.

And here’s where those new toys can come in handy.

A small bullet vibrator, for example, can become part of foreplay without dominating the entire experience.

The point isn’t to turn foreplay into a checklist. It’s to enjoy the journey rather than concentrating exclusively on the destination.

Sometimes a little anticipation makes everything that follows more enjoyable.

7. Experiment With New Positions and Experiences

There’s nothing wrong with having favorite sex positions.

We all have preferences, and there’s comfort in knowing what works.

But if you’re trying to bring excitement back into your sex life, experimenting with something different can be worthwhile.

You don’t have to become contortionists or attempt every position you find online.

Try a different position. Change the setting. Spend more time exploring each other’s bodies. Experiment with different types of stimulation.

You might discover something you both enjoy.

You might also discover that a particular position isn’t nearly as comfortable or exciting as the internet promised.

That’s okay, too.

The experience is about discovering what works for the two of you.

For couples interested in exploring further, anal play, prostate stimulation, and other forms of sexual exploration can also become part of the conversation. Just remember that consent, communication, patience, and appropriate preparation are essential.

New experiences should be something both partners genuinely want, not something one person feels pressured to provide.

8. Don’t Forget the Lube

We have a fairly simple philosophy about lube: there’s no reason to make sex more difficult than it needs to be.

Whether you’re enjoying intercourse, mutual masturbation, using vibrators, or experimenting with other toys, the right lube can make a noticeable difference.

And no, using lube doesn’t mean someone isn’t sufficiently aroused.

Natural lubrication varies. It can change with age, stress, hormones, medications, and plenty of other factors. Adding a little extra can simply make things more comfortable.

For couples exploring sex toys, water-based lube is a versatile starting point because it’s generally compatible with most toys, including silicone toys.

Thicker formulas can also be useful, particularly when using masturbation sleeves or enjoying activities where you want the lube to stay in place.

One of our personal favorites is Wicked Anal Jelle Plus. Despite its name, we’ve found that its thicker water-based consistency makes it useful for more than just anal play.

It stays where you put it and doesn’t seem to require quite as much reapplication as some thinner formulas.

A little goes a long way toward making exploration more comfortable.

Our recommendation: Wicked Anal Jelle Plus

One small reminder: check the manufacturer’s compatibility guidance when using silicone-based lube with silicone toys, and choose a formula appropriate for the activity.

9. Explore Your Fantasies Together

Sometimes bringing excitement back into your sex life has less to do with buying something new and more to do with talking about something you’ve always been curious about.

Fantasies are a normal part of human sexuality.

Some are things people might genuinely enjoy exploring. Others are simply thoughts that are exciting to imagine. Neither requires judgment.

We’ve done this through watching porn together. There are things that really turn me on and others that make me squirm. The same goes for him.

How do you think we’ve gotten to the point where we’re filming our sex life and sharing it with an audience?

Talking about fantasies can help couples understand each other on a deeper level. It can also create anticipation and open the door to experiences they might never otherwise have considered. You don’t need to start with your wildest idea.

Begin with something small. Talk about what interests you. Ask questions. Listen to your partner.

And remember that both people have the right to say no.

A healthy sexual relationship isn’t built around agreeing to everything. It’s built around feeling comfortable enough to be honest. Sometimes discovering that your partner shares a curiosity you’ve kept to yourself for years can be an exciting experience all on its own.

10. Keep Making Each Other a Priority

Perhaps the most important advice we can offer is also the simplest.

Keep dating each other.

It’s easy to become so comfortable in a marriage that you stop doing some of the little things that brought you together in the first place.

Plan an evening out. Take a weekend away. Surprise each other. Spend time together without the usual distractions. And don’t underestimate the importance of nonsexual affection.

Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, laughing together, and simply enjoying each other’s company all contribute to emotional intimacy.

For many couples, that emotional connection plays an important role in their sexual relationship.

The bedroom doesn’t exist in isolation from the rest of your marriage.

The way you treat each other throughout the day can influence how connected you feel when you’re alone together.

And sometimes the best way to improve your sex life is to spend a little more time enjoying each other outside the bedroom.

Bringing Excitement Back Into Your Sex Life Doesn’t Have to Be Complicated

If there’s one thing we’d like couples to take away from this article, it’s that wanting a more exciting sex life is perfectly normal. You don’t have to be experiencing relationship problems. You don’t have to be dissatisfied with your partner. And you certainly don’t need to compare your sex life with what you see portrayed in movies, pornography, or on social media.

A satisfying sex life is something you create together.

Sometimes that means communicating more openly. Sometimes it means making time for intimacy. Sometimes it means introducing a new vibrator, experimenting with mutual masturbation, or discovering a fantasy you’d both like to explore. And sometimes it simply means remembering to flirt with the person you’ve shared a bed with for years.

We have learned that sexuality doesn’t have to become predictable just because a relationship becomes comfortable. In fact, that comfort can give you the freedom to explore things you might have been too nervous to try when you first started dating.

There’s something wonderful about being with someone who knows you, accepts you, and is still interested in discovering new ways to enjoy each other.

So go ahead. Have the conversation. Try something different. Buy that little bullet vibrator you’ve been curious about.

You might discover that bringing excitement back into your sex life isn’t about changing your relationship at all.

It’s about continuing to enjoy the one you’ve already built.

And if you can have a little fun together along the way, why wouldn’t you?