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How do you bring up the subject of using sex toys in the bedroom with a partner?
This is something we’re asked all the time. For most people, sex toys are something we come across at novelty stores and bachelorette parties. For women, it’s usually a bright pink dildo or some kind of novelty sized penis. For guys, sex toys are often thought of as a sign of weakness. You can’t get the real thing so you’ve decided to go with a pocket pussy. So it should come as no surprise that sex toys aren’t something most couples bring up as easily as talking about the weather or weekly schedules for the kids. This unfortunate truth stands in the way of people’s desire to bring more pleasure into their lives and that of their partner.
Choosing the right moment is key, and it could be when you’re on a walk or having a drink with your partner during a commercial break. Talk about a podcast you were listening to or an article that you’ve read. Never, ever, lead with a demand. Lead with curiosity and a desire to learn more about something rather than a demand to fix what you perceive to be wrong.
Since this is something that you’ll be using with your partner, make sure to bring them in on the process of choosing your first toy and talk to your partner about the joy in searching for a toy together. Sex is FUN, so shopping for the toy that’s going to add to your fun should be just as much fun. Think of it as looking through the toy catalogs before Christmas, find some good options and discuss them together. Make sure you’re listening to what each other wants, and most of all, what they don’t want. That will help narrow down your search.
It’s also best to start small and simple. Make sure you explain this to your partner so they know you’re not expecting them to take on some large novelty dong. The recommendation that I make most for couples or women looking for their first toy is going with a bullet vibrator. You want to keep things simple and small at first, nothing obscenely large or with a thousand functions. Get to know the toy before you bring it into the bedroom, take a look at the buttons and familiarize yourself with them. There is nothing worse than taking out a toy in the heat of the moment and fumbling around with buttons.
Communication is, and always will be, key to any successful conversation about sex. Before you have the discussion, think of your why. Why do I want to bring sex toys into the bedroom? This should include a desire to improve a very intimate moment with someone you care deeply about. Then you can think of when you’re going to have this chat. Bringing up sex toys as you’re going down on them or after you’ve just orgasmed isn’t going to help your cause. Think of those comfortable moments between the two of you. Early morning cuddles or late night Netflix binge sessions are probably good times.
Respecting your partner’s wishes is also very important. They may not be ready for this step, and that’s fine. Being told that sex toys aren’t something they want isn’t a dealbreaker, but it's something that is on their radar and it might be something they’re willing to try further down the road. Respect that and move on.
In no way am I saying that bringing up the topic of sex toys in your relationship is an easy thing, but nothing worth having ever comes easy. If this is something that you want, then you’ll need to put in some effort, put in some thought, and hopefully it’ll open doors for you.
As always, if you have any questions feel free to leave them and we’ll do our very best to get back to you.