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Why Masturbation Can Improve Partnered Sex: The Benefits of Self-Pleasure for Couples
There’s a funny misconception about masturbation that seems particularly persistent among couples: once you’re in a committed relationship, particularly a happy marriage, there’s somehow less reason to do it.
As though finding someone you enjoy having sex with means you should suddenly retire from getting to know your own body.
We think that’s bullshit, plain and simple.
In fact, we’d argue that masturbation can be one of the most beneficial things you bring into your partnered sex life. It can help you understand what turns you on, communicate your desires more effectively, discover new ways to experience pleasure, and become a more confident sexual partner.
And no, it doesn’t mean you’re dissatisfied with your partner.
My wife and I have learned a tremendous amount about each other through our shared sexual experiences. But we’ve also learned that understanding our own bodies is just as important. Knowing what feels good individually makes it easier to share that pleasure with someone else.
Whether you’re married, dating, in a long-term relationship, or simply hoping to improve your sex life, masturbation deserves a place in the conversation.
Let’s talk about why.
1. Masturbation Helps You Understand Your Own Body
One of the biggest benefits of masturbation is surprisingly simple: you learn what you actually enjoy. It sounds obvious, but plenty of people enter relationships without having spent much time exploring their own bodies. They may know what feels reasonably good, but they haven’t necessarily discovered what consistently brings them pleasure, what stimulation they prefer, or what helps them reach orgasm.
Masturbation provides an opportunity to explore those things without pressure.
For men, that might mean discovering how much pressure feels comfortable, whether a slower or faster rhythm works better, or how different sensations affect arousal.
For women, it might mean discovering the importance of clitoral stimulation, experimenting with different types of touch, or learning that the stimulation needed to reach orgasm alone isn’t necessarily the same as what happens during intercourse. There’s no universal instruction manual for pleasure. We’re all a little different.
The more familiar you become with your own body, the easier it can be to communicate your preferences to your partner. And that’s where individual pleasure begins to benefit partnered sex.
Stealing the mic for just a moment here, I can tell you that it was because I masturbated more that I learned how it was I could pleasure myself. Once I knew what I wanted, how I needed to be touched, I was able to communicate it to him.
Which brings us to our next point…
2. Masturbation Can Help You Become a Better Sexual Communicator
Here’s something we think couples should talk about more often: your partner isn’t a mind reader. You can love someone, be attracted to them, and enjoy a wonderful sex life together without automatically knowing every little thing that makes their body respond.
Masturbation can help bridge that gap.
When you understand what you enjoy, it’s easier to explain it. Instead of hoping your partner eventually discovers the right combination of touch, pressure, and rhythm, you can offer some helpful direction.
That doesn’t have to mean turning the bedroom into a classroom.
Sometimes it’s as simple as saying:
- A little slower...
- I really like that…
- Could you try a little more pressure?
- That’s wonderful. Keep going!
Those little conversations can make a tremendous difference.
And communication works both ways. Learning about your own pleasure can make you more curious about your partner’s. Instead of approaching sex with a fixed idea of what should happen, you become more interested in discovering what works for both of you.
That’s a pretty good foundation for a satisfying sex life.
3. Masturbation Can Take the Pressure Out of Orgasm
Let’s be honest. Sex can sometimes come with expectations.
Men can feel pressure to maintain an erection, last a certain amount of time, or reach orgasm. Women can feel pressure to orgasm during intercourse, respond in a particular way, or avoid making their partner feel inadequate if they don’t finish.
None of that makes sex particularly relaxing.
Masturbation offers an opportunity to experience pleasure without worrying about someone else’s expectations. You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to reach orgasm within a particular timeframe. You don’t have to worry about whether you’re doing something correctly. You can simply enjoy yourself.
That experience can carry over into partnered sex. Becoming more comfortable with your own arousal and understanding how your body responds may help reduce some of the anxiety surrounding sexual performance.
It’s also worth remembering that orgasm isn’t the only measure of successful sex.
Sometimes a wonderful sexual experience ends with an orgasm. Sometimes it doesn’t. Both can be perfectly satisfying. Taking some of that pressure away can make intimacy more enjoyable for everyone.
4. Masturbation Can Help Couples Discover What They Enjoy Together
One of the things we particularly appreciate about masturbation is that it doesn’t have to be an entirely private activity.
There’s an opportunity for couples to learn from one another.
Mutual masturbation, for example, can be a wonderful way to explore sexuality together. Watching your partner touch themselves can offer insight into what they enjoy, how they respond to stimulation, and what makes them feel good.
It can also be incredibly intimate.
Rather than treating masturbation as something that happens separately from your relationship, you can make it part of your shared sexual experiences. You might discover that your partner enjoys a particular type of stimulation you hadn’t considered. You might learn that watching each other is exciting. There are fewer things that I love more than watching her pleasure herself, and when her voice is cracking and she begs me to cum all over myself while I’m masturbating next to her…just such a rush!
There’s no requirement that every sexual experience involve intercourse.
Sometimes the best way to improve your sex life is to expand your definition of what sex can be.
5. Masturbation Can Help You Explore New Fantasies
Most of us have sexual interests, curiosities, or fantasies that we don’t necessarily discuss over breakfast.
That’s normal.
Masturbation can provide a private, comfortable opportunity to explore those interests and better understand what appeals to you. Perhaps you’re curious about a different type of stimulation, a particular fantasy, or introducing a new toy into your routine. Exploring those interests individually can help you decide whether they’re something you’d like to share with your partner.
And when you’re ready to talk about them, you’ll probably have a better understanding of what you’re actually interested in. The important thing is remembering that a fantasy doesn’t automatically have to become a shared activity. Couples should feel comfortable discussing their interests without either person feeling pressured to participate.
Curiosity is healthy. Boundaries are healthy, too.
6. Masturbation Can Help Maintain Sexual Connection During Busy Periods
Life has a habit of getting in the way of romance.
Work, children, household responsibilities, stress, exhaustion, and all the other wonderful little surprises of adulthood can make finding time for intimacy difficult. That doesn’t necessarily mean your attraction to your partner has disappeared. Masturbation can help people maintain a connection with their own sexuality during periods when partnered sex is less frequent.
It can also help people understand their changing sexual needs. Sometimes your desire for sexual release doesn’t conveniently coincide with your partner’s.
That’s okay.
Having different libidos doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with your relationship. Masturbation can provide an outlet without making either partner feel obligated to have sex when they aren’t interested. Of course, it shouldn’t become a substitute for addressing ongoing intimacy problems or avoiding conversations about a lack of connection.
But there’s nothing inherently unhealthy about enjoying your own sexuality while maintaining a loving relationship.
7. Sex Toys Can Make Masturbation More Interesting for Both Men and Women
If you’re going to explore masturbation, there’s no reason you can’t have a little fun with it.
Sex toys aren’t just for people who are single or struggling with their sex lives. They can be excellent tools for personal exploration and can introduce new sensations into an otherwise familiar routine.
And the market has come a long way.
Sex toys for men
Male masturbators have evolved considerably beyond the basic sleeve.
Today, there are realistic strokers, textured sleeves, automatic masturbators, and interactive devices that offer a much wider range of sensations.
For men who want to experiment with different stimulation, a quality sleeve can be a great starting point.
One product worth exploring is the Handy Lips sleeve. It’s an incredibly forgiving sleeve, offering a different experience from some of the tighter, more restrictive masturbators on the market.
That flexibility can be particularly useful for men who want to explore different sensations without relying on an overly firm grip.
You can find it here:
Automatic masturbators and interactive toys can also introduce an entirely different experience, particularly for couples interested in incorporating technology into their sex lives.
The important thing is finding something comfortable, enjoyable, and appropriate for your preferences.
Sex toys for women
Women have an equally impressive selection of toys available. Clitoral vibrators, internal vibrators, air-pulse stimulators, and dual-stimulation toys can all offer different experiences.
A good vibrator can help women explore different intensities and patterns of stimulation, discover what feels best, and become more familiar with their individual responses.
And there’s no reason to assume that a toy needs to be complicated or expensive to be enjoyable.
We’re particularly fond of the value offered by brands such as Blush. You don’t necessarily need to spend luxury-brand money to find a well-made toy that delivers a satisfying experience.
If you’re interested in exploring some options, take a look at the Oh My Gem Line from Blush. She loves the look and feel of these toys, and the price point they’re at is accessible for a larger audience than some of the more luxury branded lines out there. If you can enjoy yourself without breaking the bank, that’s a win/win!
Ultimately, the best sex toy is the one you enjoy using. Reviews and recommendations can help narrow the choices, but personal preference always wins.
8. Don’t Underestimate the Importance of Good Lube
If there’s one thing we’d encourage people to stop overlooking when it comes to masturbation and partnered sex, it’s lube.
Seriously. Don’t make things unnecessarily difficult.
Whether you’re masturbating alone, exploring toys, enjoying mutual masturbation, or having intercourse, the right lube can make the experience considerably more comfortable and enjoyable.
For men, lube can help reduce friction when using a masturbation sleeve or stroker. It can also make manual stimulation feel more natural and comfortable.
For women, lube can make external and internal stimulation more comfortable, particularly when using toys. Even when someone experiences natural arousal and lubrication, adding a little extra can improve comfort.
And when couples are exploring together, lube can make trying different types of stimulation easier and more enjoyable.
There are a few things worth considering when choosing one:
- Water-based lube: A versatile option that works with most toys, including silicone toys. It’s generally easy to clean up, although some formulas may require reapplication.
- Silicone-based lube: Often longer-lasting and particularly useful when additional staying power is desired. Check toy compatibility before using it with silicone toys.
- Thicker formulas: These can be particularly useful for masturbation sleeves and situations where you want the lube to stay where you put it.
We personally appreciate thicker water-based formulas, especially when using sleeves. Having to stop every few minutes to reapply isn’t exactly the most exciting part of masturbation.
One of our favorites is Wicked Anal Jelle Plus. Despite the name, it’s not exclusively for anal play. Its thicker consistency makes it useful for other types of stimulation, too.
The bottom line? Don’t treat lube as an afterthought. It’s an inexpensive addition that can make a noticeable difference.
9. Masturbation Can Help Keep Your Sexual Relationship Evolving
One of the biggest challenges in a long-term relationship is keeping intimacy from becoming entirely predictable. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Familiarity can be wonderful. There’s something comforting about knowing your partner, understanding their preferences, and feeling completely at ease together.
But familiarity doesn’t have to mean standing still. Masturbation can help individuals continue discovering their sexuality, even after years in a relationship. Your body changes. Your interests evolve. Things you enjoy today might be different from what you enjoyed ten years ago.
And that’s perfectly normal.
When both partners remain curious about their own pleasure, they bring new opportunities for exploration into the relationship. I can still remember the look on her face when she saw my body react to prostate massagers. That first orgasm, she wasn’t ready for it and neither was I.
The goal isn’t to constantly reinvent your sex life.
It’s to remain interested in one another.
10. Masturbation Doesn’t Replace Intimacy. It Can Strengthen It.
Perhaps the most important thing we want couples to understand is that masturbation and partnered sex aren’t competing activities.
You don’t have to choose one over the other.
Masturbation can help you understand your body, explore your preferences, relieve sexual tension, and become more confident communicating your desires. Partnered sex gives you the opportunity to share those discoveries with someone you love.
And sometimes, the two experiences overlap beautifully.
Whether you’re enjoying mutual masturbation, watching your partner explore a new toy, or simply having a better understanding of what makes each other feel good, individual pleasure can become part of a much bigger shared experience.
For us, that’s one of the wonderful things about sexuality within a marriage. There’s always something new to discover, something else to learn about each other, and another opportunity to enjoy the bodies we’ve spent years getting to know.
So, Can Masturbation Really Improve Your Sex Life?
Absolutely, although it isn’t a magic solution to every sexual challenge. Masturbation won’t automatically fix communication problems, resolve differences in libido, or make every sexual encounter incredible.
But it can help you become more comfortable with your body, understand your preferences, communicate more effectively, and approach partnered sex with greater confidence. It can also remind you that sexual pleasure doesn’t have to be complicated, intimidating, or reserved for special occasions.
You can enjoy yourself individually and still look forward to enjoying yourself together.
In fact, we’d argue that the two experiences can complement one another beautifully.
So, whether you’re in a happy marriage, a long-term relationship, or simply looking to improve your sexual experiences, don’t overlook the benefits of getting to know yourself a little better. Your partner might appreciate what you discover.
And who knows? You might both have a little more fun along the way.
Because a healthy sex life isn’t about choosing between solo pleasure and partnered pleasure. It’s about making room for both.